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The American and British governments have decided overnight to not allow passengers boarding airlines flying directly to their countries from Middle Eastern and some African countries from carrying on them ANY electronic that isn’t a phone or medical equipment.
The countries affected are: Lebanon, KSA, UAE, Qatar, Kuwait, Egypt, Morocco, Turkey, Jordan, Tunisia, among others.
So to make the work of those countries easier, I figured I’d compile a (non-comprehensive) list of all the very scandalous things they will find on our laptops and iPads.
1. A poorly deleted porn browsing history.
2. 23 different google searches for “is this mole on my chest cancer?”
3. The discography of some pop diva we would never admit listening to unless waterboarded.
4. Game of Thrones and everything related to it.
5. Bookmarked BuzzFeed quizzes in order to determine how our life will be.
6. Compromising photographs we thought we had deleted but which have never truly disappeared.
7. The entirety of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Will & Grace, and Seinfeld.
8. Two hundred and ninety four cat doing cute things videos.
9. Thirteen cat doing extremely cute things videos.
10. The occasional video about puppies.
11. A folder for memes.
12. A folder for gifs.
13. Entire convo threads about how bitchy our boss or our colleagues are.
14. Family WhatsApp groups filled with “jokes” in Arabic. PS: those are not religious verses.
15. A ton of screenshots of Instagram posts of people we hate/are jealous of.
16. A ton of screenshots from conversation with friends that we sent to other friends for gossiping
17. Selfies. A lot of selfies.
18. Plenty of blocked Facebook games.
19. 12 Facebook friend lists to sort our messy social presence.
20. More muted people on Twitter than we’d like to admit.
21. Google searches about how screwed we are now that Trump has happened.
22. Google searches about whether those Google searches might get us in trouble.
23. Saved restaurants on Zomato we’ve always intended to try but will probably never do.
24. Wikipedia search results about almost everything pertaining to our university degrees.
25. Motivational posters we’ve saved that we share among close friends, but never to the masses.
26. Plenty of tweets about how said motivational posters are silly. #HypocrisyWho?
27. Subscriptions to the YouTube channels of John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, James Corden, Ellen, and Trevor Noah.
28. Plenty of LebanonFiles (or other news websites visits) to ascertain how messed up our countries are,
and how to adjust our “don’t-give-a-shit”-meter accordingly.
29. WebMd queries about whether one could die from some random thing we felt once upon a time.
30. More selfies.
31. Essays about the plastic surgeries that Lebanese female singers have underwent.
32. Rants about how messed up things are to share with our people.
33. Magnum Opuses about how wonderful things are here for others.
34. Saved images of places we think are here but are probably not.
35. Series we will never admit to have or would watch. That’s one secret I’ll never tell.
36. Dissertations about the series finale of LOST.
37. More than enough to last a lifetime for Harry Potter fan theories.
38. Pinterest boards for ideas we will never see to fruition.
39. Searches of how to become rich?
40. Searches of how to make do with $2 till the rest of the month when it’s still the tenth.
41. A lot of wondering about immigration possibilities.
42. Pirated software because who’d wanna pay $200 for Microsoft Office? WTF?
43. A lot of subscriptions to Western publications that utterly mess up our social media networks’
44. Searches about which countries we can go to without visas.
45. Textbooks we’ve never read and PDF lecture presentations with heavy annotations that helped us get
46. A porn stash we think no one will find.
47. “Lyrics of….”
48. Plenty of “forgot password” links.
49. Photos we took that we think make us photographers.
50. A lot of wondering about why you hate us this much and how further you wanna walk all over us for the fun of it.