It is that time of the year again, which is basically every other day, for some person you hadn’t known existed to become the talk of the Lebanese town because of something he or she did somewhere most of us dream of living in, just because that person is Lebanese.

In this paragraph, I will discuss the lineage of the person in question. Of course, it doesn’t matter if the person is as Lebanese as Lebanese people having elections, but a Lebanese origin Chromosome is a Lebanese origin chromosome and this cannot be ignored.

After establishing that whatever percentile of Lebanese-ship this person fits in, I will draw out the family tree. In the case of many Lebanese who make it abroad, that family tree brings us back about three or five generations back to the time when our grandparents hadn’t been gametes yet, but no matter. Lebanese blood never runs cold – even after several generations out in the wilderness of those countries that those of Lebanese origin will never find home.

In this paragraph, I will discuss what that person did to make him the point of national Lebanese pride, and how whatever he did will definitely reflect positively on the fabrics of Lebanese society in his home country, leading the way to a tangible decrease in sectarianism and political tension. Of course, that person could as well have gotten married to a celebrity (Amal, I’m looking at you. It’s not like there’s anyone other than you), but what do you mean getting married to George Clooney won’t bring us a president?

I will now move on to discuss immigration and how it has shaped this country for the past three hundred years, far longer than the idea of “Lebanon” possibly even existed. I will become the go-to expert on the socio-political causes that have made immigration such a tantalizing option for many Lebanese families to leave this country. From Ottoman rule, to French hegemony, to Lebanese sectarianism and the Civil War nobody understands to current times of political bankruptcy.

This effectively leads the way to the most massive name drop of all time. OF ALL TIME. I will start with Gebran Khalil Gebran and go on and on about “The Prophet,” a book I have probably not read, to Hassan Kamel Al-Sabbah, the inventor they bombarded us with back in 5th grade, and the conspiracy theory that it was the CIA that killed him because of his brain, up to Shakira in which case if I were from Zahle I’d go on and on about how her vocal capacities are definitely due to her ancestor drinking lots of water from the Berdaouni, all the way to Amal Alameddine, of course, who hooked George Clooney simply because she came from Baakline. I mean is there any other reason for those big fat Lebanese nuptials (in Venice and London)?

My conclusion (I can’t believe I wrote such a small blog post) will be all about Lebanon, the little country that could, that has sent millions upon millions of people to shape the world as we know it. With the mountains close to the sea, with our unparalleled nature, with our joie-de-vivre of lifestyle, with our unmatched capital, it’s really baffling to see that this little country of ours hasn’t ascended to the throne of THE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. But it’s only a matter of time because, as you know, someone out there of 1/100th Lebanese origin is bound to make that happen and Lebanon will be the only thing he or she will think of when they do.