“The last time I was this scared was 2006,” she told me this afternoon, moments after she crossed into the Northern part of a city ravaged with battles. I guess that’s saying something given that the person in question spent a good part of the war that year in a 3×2 ditch that her family calls a shelter.
The matter to immigrate out of Lebanon was always a matter of if with me. Today, becoming an expat is no longer a matter of if. It’s simply matter of when. And with each passing day, that “when” doesn’t seem to get here soon enough.
I tried as much as I can to disassociate myself from what was happening in my country lately. It was time not to be constantly negative, I said. I’m better off than most people in this country, I convinced myself. But then I realized that the standard of living in this country is just not good enough. And by the looks of it, it will never be.
“I always cried at the idea of you leaving here,” my best friend’s mom told him. Then, as she dried her eyes and looked him straight in the eyes she said: “Do your best to leave.” My best friend is currently unable to go back home because the roads leading back to his bedroom (and cat) are cut off due to gunfire and protests.
Welcome to the safety of the republic of Lebanon, post-parliament mandate extension. Weren’t things supposed to get better, theoretically?
Being in Lebanon today means being in the same country as people like Ahmad el Assir who, a few years ago would have never ever dreamed of catching a spotlight. Today, they enjoy modest popularity and incredible funding that enables them to launch full blown attacks against the Lebanese army and threaten cities that are dubbed the capital of their region.
Being in Lebanon today means living with the likes of Hezbollah who, proud as they are of being on terrorist lists everywhere, resort to arguments in the form of zionism and Israel whenever the going gets tough. And the argument works every time because it sure sounds beautiful to be fighting Israel all the way in God knows where.
Being in Lebanon today means being nothing more and nothing less than a number in a Christian game of empty slogans, fancy billboard wars, fiery television shoutouts and no tangible work whatsoever. It means members of the side you once supported thinking you’re switching allegiance and shutting you out while those on the other side thinking you’re as one-sided as they are. It means not fitting in within any of the rhetoric being spoken – and being accused that you are of the same mold anyway.
Being in Lebanon today also means being in the land of a Lebanese army that knows nothing but to call on moral support whenever its members get killed. “Support us against those who want to cause mayhem in this country” is the typical line of the same army which, in recent days, beat up peaceful protesters in one part of the country and stood by watching as the same militias killing it today passed by its members in their tanks.
Being in Lebanon today is living in a land where men of cloak have power that grows proportionally to their beard’s (sometimes mustache-less) length. It means feeling less and less empowered as the days move forward. It means feeling less and less safe. It’s become living in a place where there are so many red lines floating around you never know which red line you crossed when you’ve seemingly done nothing wrong: the red lines of religions, the red lines of religious militias, the red lines of politics, the red lines of sects, the red lines of bigots and the red lines of those living in their own version of Lebanese la-la land.
Being in Lebanon today means living with people who think there’s nothing wrong, whose reply to this is simply: “you go ahead and leave, stop bitching and spare us some breathing space,” who marvel at the beauty of some fireworks and somehow use them as an argument to convince themselves that tomorrow will be a better day. I know those people because I was one of them. And I tried as hard as I can to remain one of them. But it just didn’t work anymore – I can’t live in la-la land anymore.
“I just had the most demoralizing phone call of my life,” she told me as we snaked our way through the quiet streets of Beirut after midnight. “Did you know we are not allowed to be in the same research opportunities abroad as people who have any form of relation with you-know-where be it funding or otherwise? So here I am, working my ass off for years… Only to find out the research program of my dreams is out of the question.”
I tried to comfort my friend by telling her things will be okay. But the question begets itself: regardless of the politics of it, why do I have to be the one always ruining my future because I’m Lebanese? Why do I have to be the one putting the questionable morals of my country first when my country has given so little back to me? Why do I have to be the one constantly on the losing end just because I am in the possession of a navy blue passport emblazoned with a golden Cedar? Why do I have to be the one passing on opportunities in order not to disappoint a country that has never managed to impress me?
I am currently pursuing a medical degree and I thought I was getting the best medical education that money could buy and given my country’s standards, and at more than $20,000 a year, I sure am. I thought getting acquainted with hospitals around this country was exposing me to how things are done, strengthening me for a future in which I give the best standard of care for my patients while giving myself and my future family a decent living standard. What I learned, however, surpassed the pathology and the pharmacology of things: medicine in Lebanon is not patient oriented. It is pocket-oriented. And no, this isn’t about Lebanese hospitals. “If only you have any idea how many procedures being done are absolutely unnecessary,” a senior physician told my group. “They’re done because doctors get a cut off the money – not because it’s the best practice for your patients. Learn the textbook – and adapt what you learn the best way you can.”
What I also learned was that entering the workforce over here once I’m done with my degree is going as close to hell as possible. Instead of a specialty welcoming new blood and minds into its fold in order to progress, it shuts on itself and shuts you out in the process as you try to claw yourself in. The veterans divert patients away from you. They try to sabotage you. They ruin your reputation in order to keep the golden goose all for themselves. Good thing the $100,000 spent in your education was paid for by your parents.
“You are the future of the country,” he told me as we moved around Paris. “What future might that be?” I asked. That person highlighted a place of promise, a place that I would be proud to call home. “And do you intend to return?” I then asked again. He shook his head. Yes, our expats make us proud. Their accomplishments make us marvel at the beauty of having opportunities. Yet they infuriate me when they preach without living it, without getting it, without knowing how horrible it is to know you are living in a place of no opportunities, no future and no hope whatsoever – despite the opposite you try to convince yourself with everyday because there’s nothing better than denial to ease the medicine to be gulped down everyday.
“If you don’t handle Lebanon at its worst, you don’t deserve it at its best,” I was told as well. What best might that be, I wondered.How long do I have to handle a downward spiral of Lebanon’s worst until the clouds start clearing? Why do I have to be a masochist, forcing myself to live in times of war that seem to never know a way to end just because, in theory, my country needs people like me? But does my country even want me?
What about what I want?
I want a decent future for myself and my children. I want a second passport that doesn’t require me to knock at embassy doors and plead in order to go on vacations. And I want to transfer that second passport to my parents so they can get a better life, a life where they are valued and cherished for the amazing creatures that they are. I want a place that guarantees my liberties – that allows me to curse the president, insult Jesus and categorize a political party as a terrorist group. All in one sentence for the whole word to see. And live to tell the tale. I want a place where I can pursue a career in which my input is not only valued, it is sought out. I want a place where I don’t have to screw over my patients in order to become better off financially – and still be able to repay my parents all the hard-earned money they spent in my education. I want a place where I can drive without feeling like maneuvering cattle in a prairie. I want a place that knows rules and laws are there for a reason.
Lebanon is home. It’s a place I didn’t feel I fit but always felt I belonged. I belonged to the streets that enchanted, the people I called family and the faces that gave me reassurance that tomorrow might be better than today. Today, those streets feel desolate and foreign. The people I call family have become strangers. The faces that gave me reassurance in days past now get me worried.
Will I miss it when I leave here once I’m done with my medical degree? Perhaps so. It’s hard not to miss the place that built me. But I think I’ll take a pinch of trab el arz, some cedar grains, plant them wherever a visa and an opportunity take me and call it home all over again.
Reading your post at the end of this day made me cry…Unfortunately you are right in every word you said…It is the truth that I always deny…
Very good written! True but sad, that’s how Lebanon is today. Hopefully it will be better in the future…
I guess the Lebanese civil war moratorium could only last so long, was Lebanon ever truly seperate from Syria? Syria first, Lebanon to follow? My prayers for Lebanon and it’s great people. Best of luck on your journey bro, you have great things to give our world, go for it.
Best wishes from Detroit.
Beautiful…. Just beautiful.
I left my parents and family in France when I was 18 and decided to come back to Lebanon because I couldn’t stand being away from my country. Ever since (I am now 41), I have fought for democracy and a better more civilized, less politics/religious-oriented life for me and those who share this country with me. To sum it up, I have fought every fight but I also give up today. I can no longer live with a big part of the people of this country, we come from different planets and we can no longer tolerate each other. We are taking our baby away from here and leaving, something I never ever thought I would willingly do. I want to leave and I cannot wait to be out of this pathetic insane unreal circus where only the corrupt, thief, liar, armed seem to have a chance.
Shidileh 7alik pascal… Our forefathers had to die because they believed in this country… We never surrender!
Shidileh 7alak laloos… If the British had given up, the whole world would be nazi! This country needs us to grab on to it now more than ever!
Elie, my friend, this is, as always, such a beautiful piece to read. Here’s wishing, no matter how ridiculous and far-fetched that wish may be, that our Lebanon gets through this labour process that has taken its toll on it over the past 40 years!
Elie, before I started reading your blog, most of what I knew about Lebanon was Hizballah and their terrorism. I always knew there was more to Lebanon than that, just that we don’t really see it here. The “other Lebanon”, doesn’t reach us here, only Hizballah’s missiles. But even in the war in 2006, we always kept in mind that our enemy was Hizballah, not Lebanon. You have shown me the face of that “other Lebanon” and I thank you for that. If there is to be peace someday, it will be because of honest people like you. When you leave Lebanon, things will seem a little darker… But you deserve the chance to take control of your own life, and I wish you luck!
I don’t think you “always kept in mind that our enemy was Hezballah, not Lebanon” and that was your downfall. Had you really done that, you would have won the war and the gratitude of the Lebanese who cannot wait get rid of Hezballah. What you did instead was bomb indiscriminately and cause untold damage and carnage throughout the country. Had you targeted Hezballah like a laser beam and spared everything and everyone else, you would have been hailed as heroes.
Even Nabih Berry, a Shiite, wanted Israel to win the 2006 war. You guys messed up big time. I hope you learned your lesson and will not repeat that mistake.
Hizballah is a bit like a cancer in that respect- it is intertwined and fused Lebanon in a way that you can’t fight it without hurting the rest of the country.
I don’t think Israel has the capability of rooting out Hizballah for you. You’ll have to do that for yourselves. But when attacked by Hizballah, we do have an interest in hurting them hard enough to make them think twice about attacking a second time. And Nasrallah himself said that had he known what Israel’s response would be to the kidnapping of our soldiers, he would never have done it. Is that the basis for quiet for both our peoples for many years? I hope so…
Reblogged this on Ned Hamson Second Line View of the News and commented:
A sad day for Lebanon when one of its sons decides that he will leave it to make his way in the world. Bon voyage when the time comes and pray in meantime that Lebanon finally wakes up to its greatness before that time.
But if we surrender there will be no Lebanon left ,if we let those narrow minded souls take control of the country then what , it would be a point of no return …As hard as it may seem we need to stay , fight for the Lebanon we believe in , fight for peace and tolerance , because if we dont , i cant even begin to imagine how grim the situation might look like .We need to start educating the younger generation so they dont fall into the same sectarian trap.
hey, i couldn’t help while reading but feel a bit offended. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Sunni who has always enjoyed reading your posts. This time though i felt that u generalized when u talked about the different conflicting sects that keep fighting over power in the most outrageous ways. lots of people who belong to the Sunni sect, including me, are ashamed of what’s taking place today, but that doesn’t mean that we leave the country because they are misreprepresenting us. There has to be a way, plus i noticed that u have a lot to be grateful for.
This is a wonderful post. I understand that people living in Lebanon will always mock those who leave as cowards. We shouldn’t give up on our country, but how long will we have to tolerate this bullshit? My friend told me yesterday that people were dying like sheep in Tripoli, plenty of lives extinguished over petty squabbles. Why will this country never grow up?
I’m 19 and currently earning my degree in filmmaking. I have been living abroad all my life but have come to get an education in Lebanon because I want to return my country. Now, I am beginning to regret that decision…
Alf marrra jaben wala marra allah yer7amo
Does Lebanon really exist outside the romanticism of Fairuz? Lebanon’s borders are meaningless. The Sunni belong to the large “Sunni tribe” run by Qatari and Saudi royal families, Turkey, and Egypt. The Shiite belong to the large “Shiite tribe” run by Iran.
It does not take a genius to realize that modern Muslims in Beirut, Turkey, Cairo, and Dubai are often schizophrenic because “modernity” come from “others”. If this fight in Lebanon and Syria was entitled “Civilization vs Barbaria”, i would support “Civilization”. Unfortunately, what is going on is “Barbaria vs Barbaria” and I would say “let them kill and exterminate each others”
All this being said, human identity is a complex hybrid of religion, ethnicity, culture, languages, and geography. When i was born in Byblos, I signed a contract with Lebanon. This country is a major component of my identity and I would like to go back :).
Good luck with your future endeavor !
From Houston, TX
“Lebanon is home. It’s a place I didn’t feel I fit but always felt I belonged.” this sentence describes word for word my heart’s place in Lebanon … as I am far from it now.
This hot city those cool hills,
have they forgotten the rumbling and the life
To stand in pictures I once
held in my hands,
to walk the busy streets of my
late fathers land.
This city heals with concrete and steel,
scar in your eyes is one I can feel.
Such dismay at my desire to come here to you,
but they can’t see what
I know is true.
That the rumbling has ended,at least in the
But in our hearts and in our heads
a fires heat.