Tag Archives: women

My Last Valentine in Beirut – Movie Review

“This movie is for serious and smart people only” said the marketing tagline. Then by all accounts, I’m a stupid person who knows nothing of seriousness.

My Last Valentine in Beirut is not a movie. I have no idea what to make of it actually. It’s a horrid mess. It’s a nauseating spectacle. It’s a disgustingly bad atrocity. It’s a jumble of scenes with no apparent link between them except a quest to build up into a running time of approximately 80 minutes. Meet Juliette, a whore in Beirut. Meet a movie director and his assistant wanting to make a movie about Juliette. That’s basically the entirety of My Last Valentine in Beirut for you.

There’s no depth in the movie. Not one bit. The characters are as flat as a board. The storyline – or lack thereof – is so void that you shouldn’t even attempt searching for anything in it. The jabs at Lebanese society are delivered by the characters turning to face the camera – there’s not even one hint of subtlety anywhere. The movie takes cheap shots at other Lebanese movies such as Caramel, Bosta and W Halla2 la Wein which by all accounts are much, much better than this mess. Juliette’s attitude, obviously hyperbolic, becomes more than grating at points. The point of this being a critique of Lebanon today becomes entirely detached from what’s happening on screen that any message the movie tries to pass feels forced especially as the last scene rolls around and you start wondering how the movie got to the conclusion it tries to bring forth with its obvious lack of build up towards anything mentally stimulating.

The absolutely useless 3D is only here for the extra revenue and it’s so distracting at times that it visually hurts. Some camera angles, which are supposedly “artistic,” don’t make sense – even to someone like yours truly whose expertise when it comes to movies is restricted to being an enthusiastic viewer.  Even the only sex scene in the movie is of such catastrophic execution that it becomes one of the movie’s funniest moments. Those are not many.

You’d think that struggling Lebanese cinema would actually bother to come up with good enough movies especially with production being so scarce. But no, you get movies like My Last Valentine in Beirut which keep throwing one crappy scene after another at you in order to break the worst movie in history record, which is a shame really because the premise of a movie discussing prostitution in Lebanon is so dense that this movie, if actually done like a proper movie with a decent script, could have turned out well. Maybe. Who am I kidding. At some point during My Last Valentine in Beirut‘s rather short running time, I wished I was watching Breaking Dawn again. This was one of the worst movie experiences of my life. And that’s not an easy feat at all. My Last Valentine in Beirut has shattered my faith in Lebanese cinema into so many little pieces that next time a non-Nadine Labaki Lebanese movie is released, I’ll rely on other people going on a martyrdom viewing mission before I venture out.

Do not watch this. Even if your life depended on it. Even if your mother’s life depended on it. You could use the $10 admission price in so many better ways, not to mention the time of your life you wouldn’t have wasted trying to watch this cinematic massacre.

1/10 – and I’m being generous. 

My Last Valentine in Beirut To Be Banned?

Leave it to Lebanese movies to reveal inherent complexes among some strata in our society. I have yet to watch My Last Valentine in Beirut and seeing as it’s already been released, I figured it must have passed through the fangs of censorship and landed safely on our screens. But that was too good to last apparently.

No, the problem isn’t with the supposed sex in it. It’s not with the main character being a prostitute. It’s not with the use of “foul” language that might be offensive to some as if people don’t hear the word “sharmou*a” day in day out. The problem with My Last Valentine in Beirut seems to be more clothes-related.

The syndicate of nursing in Lebanon is filing a lawsuit against My Last Valentine in Beirut for using a nurse’s outfit seductively in the movie. The sultry portrayal of nurses in the movie is, according to the syndicate, a violation of the sanctity of their profession. I guess they haven’t played doctor before.

If the demands of the syndicate are met, the movie will be either withdrawn from cinemas or edited to remove these “offensive” scenes. Lebanese filmmakers, regardless of how horrible their movies might be, apparently need to bring in portions from every single part of society for early screenings. You never know what might be in their movies that might be offensive to someone whose mental capacities seem to be limited at best because it seems that lately anyone finds something offensive in absolutely anything and cannot get past it.

You’d think the Lebanese Nursing syndicate would be fighting for the rights of Lebanon’s nurses. You’d think they’d be demanding better wages, better working hours, more benefits. Instead they throw their efforts at My Last Valentine in Beirut because they know that if they make a big enough fuss, someone out there in Lebanon’s narrow-minded censorship bureau will respond. And it’s not like the “sexy nurse” attire in movies hasn’t been overly overdone but feeling empowered only happens when it comes to local productions.

And how about that horrible XXL ad? Doesn’t it have “sexy nurses” for them to sue?

I don’t know if My Last Valentine in Beirut is a good enough movie or not. But I find a request to censor a movie based on what a character wore in it is ridiculous. How silly is it for anyone to find what a character wears in a movie offensive enough to call for the banning or the censoring of said movie? I’m sure even less open countries of the region haven’t had such problems with their productions. And when will people learn that asking to ban anything only brings attention to the thing you want to ban? It happened recently with Tannoura Maxi, which seems to be winning well at international film festivals.

There’s a fine line between fighting for your rights and being absolutely obnoxious. Lebanon’s nursing syndicate is sitting firmly in the nauseating camp. And some wonder where some nurses get their attitude!

 

Vote for Miss Lebanon Rina Chibany for Miss Universe

Help Miss Lebanon Rina Chibany secure a spot in the semi-finals of the Miss Universe pageant by voting for her. Just click (here) and input your name and email and click vote. It’s that easy.

Now I know this is silly compared to what’s happening in the world right now and whatnot. But we need some fun sometimes. You can vote multiple times.

And for the activists among you who need to turn this into a cause… you’ll be voting against the Israeli contestant! See? Isn’t that fun?

Now please don’t share this with BDS people who’ll end up asking Chibany to boycott the pageant.

Vote everyone 😀

Tzipi Livni’s Sex Scandal

Who can forget Tzipi Livni’s face? She was the most highlighted Israeli politician for years and years – even trumping the prime ministers she was serving.

Well, Tzipi Livni is back. And she’s coming loose.

It seems that Livni, being a former Mossad agent, had ways to extract information and blackmail people. And it wasn’t beneath her to use her womanly abilities to their full potential.

Livni is apparently the type of many Arab politicians with who she has had affairs in order to blackmail them later on with the threat of exposing the affair. It seems that Tzipi isn’t against using sex to get information which may benefit Israel. Her behavior was also approved by a rabbi who believes Israeli women should be permitted to use their bodies in order to help their state.

Livni, however, hasn’t revealed any names – sadly. The question to be asked now is: Have any Lebanese politicians gotten in her pants? And if yes, which is not improbable, then who?

What To Expect Tonight on Miss Lebanon

I found out a few minutes ago that the Miss Lebanon pageant is taking place tonight, in less than an hour actually. I remember watching it last summer and having more fun reading all the tweets that made fun of the pageant.

So here’s what we can expect from Miss Lebanon this year:

  • No bikinis.

Because the Arabs might be watching and God forbid they see the skin on the torsos of the Lebanese women. Some über conservative Lebanese might be appalled too. The sacrilege, I tell you!

  • Plastic. 

The noses, the boobs, the cheeks… even the hair. The girls that were chosen will, similarly to every year, have absolutely nothing to do with how Lebanese girls actually look like on the streets. Of course, their answer to questions regarding plastic surgery will be: “Of course I’m against! Beauty is on the inside.” Aww? No.

  • 9.9999!

The jury will be literally paraded all evening. This certain current nobody was a previous somebody who has nothing to do with judging a beauty pageant. That person who shares my last name will also be there because the ministry of tourism needs to be represented. And the stratosphere grades will start rolling by. All of the girls are top class super models.

  • Peace & social media.

Be sure that all of the questions the girls will be asked will revolve around these two themes. How would you use social media to promote peace? How would peace benefit Lebanon’s tourism? How would you use social media to promote the peaceful Lebanese tourism? Every combination that you can come up with regarding these two themes will be asked. Of course, the answers will vary from the “Uhh – brain freeze – uhh, mom!” to the 23 minute debate about the importance of vitamins in meals. Irrelevant? You bet. Also don’t forget the importance of world peace wel mou7afaza 3al arze.

  • The winner. 

The winner will be so obvious from the get-go that you wouldn’t even bother being emotionally invested in any of the participants. Not that you should – unless you’re her mother of course. She will get the most applause. She will get the most points even though you are more than sure she doesn’t deserve them. You will ask around and eventually find out that her father or mother or great great cousin two degrees removed was some hotshot person in society. And it will make sense.

  • The feminists.

You should never forget these. They will be on the prowl the moment the jingle starts. They will bring down the girls for promoting the materialistic image to women (while they nibble on popcorn, criticizing the makeup of this and the dress of that). They will inundate you with sermons about the need to have women get past this rudimentary male-enforced view. Bla bla bla.

  • The lip-synching.

The pageant will have a top notch musical guest who will not sing one note. Don’t even bother wondering if whoever they’re bringing is actually singing or not. They’re not. They won’t even bother doing a good job at it. As they say, temmo/a bi meil wel ghanniyeh bi meil. 

  • The jingle.

They remix it every year and it has been around since 2003. “Kell shi ma32oul ysir 3enna l layli” – not quite. But the contestants will dance to it as if their life depended on it.

Have fun watching 😛